A Letter to My Daughters

I love you more than you’ll ever know. I just have a different way of showing it.

You’re the most beautiful and complex beings I’ve ever met. I’d watch you all day along, just to observe how you view the world. Your tiny fingers carefully examine blades of grass, rocks, and stones. A simple silly face can bring on belly laughs for hours. I can hardly believe I actually grew you inside me.

Someone so imperfect, so flawed and fucked up, made you.

A vivacious girl full of life and wonder, whose imagination knows no end.

A curious person, who seeks to know everything about everything, and never stops questioning why.

A raw, authentic, genuine soul, who shows the world her feelings and thoughts, and doesn’t hold back.

It’s inspiring. It’s tiring. It’s overwhelming, sometimes.

You don’t know this, but I have autism. I view the world sometimes in the same way you do, with curiosity, wonder, and naivety. It’s a gift most days, and many days, it’s a curse.

When the bright colors and imaginative play drains my energy.

When the constant questioning prevents me from having a thought to myself.

When the realities and responsibilities of being an adult numb your true self.

In some ways, I’m petrified you’ll turn out something like me. That you’ll be cast out for asking all the questions, for not understanding the hidden context of things, or for not preferring to be social all the time. 

But in other ways, I secretly hope that you do. And that you change the world we live in for the better. So that others can see what we see, and we can work together so that everyone can thrive in their own unique way.

I love you so much. I love you with every thought and fiber of my being. I love you so much, I am teaching myself how to balance play time with quiet time. How to kindly ask for space without pushing away. How to advocate for your needs as well as yours. 

Please know that I am trying so hard for you. I will keep trying until I succeed, because we love each other, and it is a love like no other. It is an unfaltering, unwavering, conditionless love. 

With all my heart, 

Mommy