Can we stop pretending the “perfect mom” exists?

When you hear the word, “mom”, what comes to mind? 

Society will tell us many different versions of what we think should be the perfect mother. Sometimes it’s the #bossbabe who kills at her career but also makes it to the soccer games. Sometimes it’s the stay at home mom who cooks from scratch, homesteads, and homeschools. A lot of times it’s the mom who sacrifices everything for her family, even if it’s detrimental to her. 

In my season of life and my generation, it’s the “cool mom” who’s perfect. You know who I mean. I mean the woman whose kids wear perfectly coordinated outfits, professional photoshoots on Instagram, dresses messy but chic, and drives her Suburban to school pick up. She has a flexible job but also cooks from scratch and is perfectly fit. Breastfed her babies for more than a year, baby-led weaned, and only has Montessori toys. Barely a hair out of place, if ever. Endless patience abounds. 

That sounds fucking exhausting. 

At least for me, that is.

Let’s get it out of the way: Perfection does not exist. 

Let me repeat. PERFECTION DOES NOT EXIST.

Here’s another one for you: There’s no gold medal in motherhood. Seriously.

I say this a lot of times to the mothers of newborns in my office. A typical scenario is at the two week weight check. A mother will come in, dark circles under her eyes, pale, with milk stains all over her shirt. She’s breast feeding and the baby is growing well, but the mother is drowning. Her nipples are sore, she’s covered in bodily fluids, and she’s crumbling in front of my eyes from exhaustion and overwhelm. She keeps repeating to me and almost to herself, “He’s doing so good, I’m just pushing through. It’s just so much.”

Girl, I hear you. It is so much. But for you, it’s looking like it’s too much.

I always say, “You’re doing a great job. What can I do to support you?”

Oftentimes, the moms break down, and I offer support. Because I’ve been there, too.

I’ve felt like a failure. I felt like my kids deserved a better mom, a perfect mom. I should know what to do. Everyone else knows what to do. Why can’t I do what they can do? Why can’t I be perfect?

Because the perfect mom does not exist.

Because no one knows what they’re doing.

Because perfection looks different to everyone. 

For me, it’s my mom (also known as “MA” as we are loud and Italian). Since I was little, she was and continues to be the most beautiful woman I know. She worked hard as a legal secretary, cooks amazing food, and supported my interests as well as my brothers. She’s an amazing Nonna to her grandkids, runs her own side business, and is creative as hell.

Did she make it to every school event? Nope.

Did she let me do everything that other kids were doing? Nope.

Did she exclusively breastfeed her babies, baby led weaned, the works? Hell no. We were formula fed, raised on Spaghetti-O’s, watched more TV than we should’ve, and never had professional photoshoots.

And guess what?

We all turned out fine. We’re not perfect, but we’re doing pretty damn good.

So when I have a mom breaking down in my exam room, like the one before, I always offer support, and remind her:

“There’s no gold medal in motherhood.”

Don’t suffer for the sake of what others perceive as perfection.

Instead, be authentic in the eyes of the ones who matter the most, and just try your best.

It’s all we can, and should, do.